A few weeks ago I had an epiphany of sorts. It was a Saturday morning and I was out on a run, a delicious and rare hour I had all to myself. Jojo’s theme song came on and I got choked up. When I’m running, feelings are somehow more accessible, so I followed that sadness in my mind to understand the root of it. I came upon Sheryl Sandberg. Not literally on the path where I was running, I mean the path I was following in my mind. Where did she come from? Well first, she is the woman and possibly the human I most admire in the world.
My admiration began when I read “Lean In”. I started following her in the news because of her activism around feminism and because we are in similar lines of work. I was so inspired by how she built her career, marriage, and family. And her approach to managing and nurturing talent on the teams she manages. When she lost her husband, the partner and champion that enabled her to live the life she wanted, she handled it and continues to handle it with such grace and strength. I recently watched her in an interview with Oprah where she spoke about her grief. It touched a nerve.
So on this run, on this particular day, when thinking of Jojo, Sheryl Sandberg and her wisdom about grief forced its way into my conscious thinking. Because I have grief. I feel loss. The loss of the girl that Jojo cannot be today. Does this loss compare to the death of a life partner? Of course not. But this isn’t about comparison.
This is about something unlocking in my mind and heart that I’ve been hiding away from myself. Over the last two and a half years with Jojo, it has been easier to ignore the grief, or push it away. Saying things like she will be fine, she will catch up, it could be worse. That may all be true, it may not be. Either way, there is grief. I daydream about Jojo running up to me to give me a hug, chasing her brother when he runs around, simply walking over to the thing she wants, saying what she wants instead of screaming. How I want her to do all these things. That Jojo and the real Jojo live side by side in my mind. It makes the loss clear, tangible. I am very hopeful for her future. Right now though, she can’t do any of those things. And it is so hard. So I grieve.
Jojo The Strong 